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Monday, 16 November, 2015, 15 : 30 PM [IST]

Riding the Ban(d)wagon

Ajay PrakashEnough of this pseudo secular talk of Fundamental Rights and freedom of speech. Enough of this namby-pamby talk of “Religious Tolerance” and “Unity in Diversity.” It’s time for every right thinking Indian to concentrate instead on Fundamental Duties, which are essential to strengthen our country and preserve our cultural heritage which includes plastic surgery, artificial insemination and flying machines – all of which existed in Bharat long before the rest of the world could even imagine such wonders.

It’s time to lay down the law: The newest and foremost Fundamental Duty, incumbent upon each and every citizen who would like to see India regain its past glory, is the Duty to Ban! This must become our primary duty and each one of us must exercise it rigorously if want to see “Acche Din.” We haven’t banned enough things and that’s the prime reason we are still seeing “Bure Din.”  

It’s not enough to ban books, it’s not enough to ban iconoclastic rationalists and even murder them if they do not recant, it’s not enough to ban artists from across the border, it’s not enough to show our displeasure at people who disobey a ban by throwing ink on their faces, it’s not enough to ban meat during the “Paryushan” holy week, it’s not enough to ban beef across the country, it’s not enough to ban non-Hindus from garba… There are so many things in our multi cultural and pluralistic country that we haven’t banned yet, and this must take precedence over everything else if “development” is to happen and catapult us not only into a permanent seat at the UN Security Council, but also into the position of a global superpower.

Over half of our population is under the age of 25 – that’s a phenomenal demographic advantage that no other nation can boast of. Young people have energy and they have dreams. Think of all that youth energy being channelized into dreaming and enforcing bans! Fuelled by the ubiquitous tools of Digital India – Facebook, WhatsApp and whatnot – we could become a shining example to the world. Forget the Zuckerbergs, the Nadellas and the Pichais; overnight we’d have every major Fortune 500 companies in the world knocking at our doors, beseeching to be let in into this incredible country whose incendiary youth power knows no bounds and innovates on the fly - like using a sewing machine to crack open a skull.

But maybe we should ban these foreign companies, too, from entering our hallowed land since, along with Make in India, they will bring with them the danger of “cultural pollution” and most of their top management eats beef anyway!

As for foreign tourists? Bah! Who needs a paltry 7 million foreign tourists when we have over 80 million domestic tourists who don’t complain about dirty toilets, who can even do without toilets since the great outdoors is free and open.

I therefore propose that the next big Ban in India campaign should be “Ban International Tourists.” We would be rid of these cultural polluters who eat prohibited meat, who weaken the morals of our youth and lead them into temptation through their revealing clothing and public displays of affection and who anyway complain about dual tariffs and crib endlessly that they are being overcharged entrance fees to visit our monuments. Once we have banned them, we shall embark upon a great cleansing, not just Swacch Bharat, but a more deep rooted effort.

“We shall cleanse every area of public discourse that has been westernized and where Indian culture and civilization need to be restored.” Amen! 
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